Okay. Let me preface this by saying that I love Christmas music, truly. The second Thanksgiving rolls around, it’s basically all I listen to until New Year’s Day. But with such a high volume of listening there are some real duds I’m forced to hear over and over again each season. So here is my official, not-qualified-in-the-slightest, list of the WORST Christmas songs out there.
1. My Favorite Things. Yeah, it’s a great song, but newsflash: IT’S NOT A CHRISTMAS SONG. It’s not even from a Christmas show, or at the very least, a Christmas SCENE from a show! Why the hell is this considered a Christmas song, because it has the word ‘snowflake’ in it? And before you try to argue that it names a bunch of things people would want for presents, you tell me the last time you opened a gift and got a kitten whisker. It’s not a Christmas song. Period. (And while we’re at it, neither is It’s a Wonderful World. What the hell, people.)
2. Santa Buddy, Michael Buble. The original is bad enough. There was no need to update it with a grown man whining about needing his tree trimmed with Rolexes and Ferraris. Ho ho NO.
3. The Little Drummer Boy, every version. Because it’s awful. The end.
4. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, Jessica Simpson. They had the whole wide world of Christmas songs to choose from for J-Simp to massacre what’s left of her cords to for a Christmas single, and THIS is what they chose. It’s BARELY cute enough with a pre-pubescent Michael Jackson singing it to surpass it’s annoyingness. What makes anyone think a screlting, booby idiot would make it any better? Pass.
5. Any pop singer’s rendition of O Holy Night. We get it, you want to belt and riff about Jesus. It’s been done a thousand times, which is a thousand times too many. Maybe step away from the herd and scream your way through O Little Town of Bethlehem.
6. Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas, Christina Aguilera. Anyone who knows me at all knows I would gladly put the entire Xtina Xmas album on here, as I have a timeless tradition of listening to it from start to finish every year and pulling my hair out at her inability to sing one straight syllable without a riff. But this one absolutely takes the cake. It has a JOURNEY, from the whispery self-indulgent garbage at the beginning, to the growling belty key change, to the absolutely horrifying orgasmic sigh at the last “Hhhhhhhave yourself a merry”, it officially puts me in a casket. I dare you to pay strict attention to the whole song without laughing out loud, yelling an obscenity, or finding a picture of Xtina to burn.
7. Any version of I’ll Be Home For Christmas where they use the lyric “presents *on* the tree” instead of ” ‘neath the tree.” C’mon. Really? What’re you trying to pull? What does “on the tree” even mean?? I don’t know or care if “on the tree” is the original lyric or not. We have the “neath” option now. Use your damn sense.
8. The alternate version of Frosty the Snowman by Ella Fitzgerald, singing *as* Frosty. Not too many people have heard this version, as the regular version, with Ella singing in her warm, buttery Ella-ness is just lovely and charming. But if you own the Swingin’ Christmas CD, Deluxe Version, you have experienced the HORRORS of the alternate recording where some moron convinced Ella to sing like a child demon from Holiday Hell. If a magic snowman suddenly came to life and started talking to me in THAT voice, I’d be sprinting away faster than the leap I perform across my apartment to hit Skip every time it comes on.
9. The Christmas Shoes, *I don’t care enough to look up who sings it.* You can call me heartless, but I LOATHE and detest this song. Firstly, if you’re going to make a song that’s designed to make me *feel things* I will clam up my heart Grinch-style, faster than a flying reindeer, purely out of spite. Second, I wouldn’t believe that kid for a second. That shopper and store owner are getting taken for a ride. Lastly, the song is just awful. The melody is already schmaltzy and annoying, but when we’re what feels like 20 minutes in and the children’s chorus joins the mix, I have just had it. *throws closest shoes at radio*
10. Wonderful Christmastime, Paul McCartney. This is more of an honorary addition, because although I’m not really a fan of this synth-y disaster, I can easily tune it out. My mother however, HATES this song with a fiery, burning passion. I don’t think I ever even heard the song in its entirety until I was an adult, because growing up the second it came on we’d hear my mom yelling from somewhere in the house demanding it be changed. It is pretty bad, especially with the “ding dong ding” and “doo-doo doo-doo” parts that I’m pretty sure they just threw in there because they were too lazy to write some more lyrics. The only reason this song is a hit is because a Beatle sings it, so people somehow convince themselves it’s good. Have you ever listened to a Wings album? Yeah, not every Beatle is batting a thousand. What kills me is how many covers there are of this crap, and they’re all somehow even WORSE than the original. It’s almost impressive.
That’s all for now. There are LOTS more horrific Christmas tunes out there, but these are certainly my most offensive. Feel free to add your suggestions below. Merry Christmas!