9 Revised MTA Announcements (by an Angry New Yorker)

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Everyone is used to hearing the same, tired MTA reminders: Let the people off so you can get on, courtesy is contagious, give up your seat to the preggos and the elderly, etc. But the currently running list is clearly way too polite, as my daily train rides are continuously full of assholes determined to make our delayed, smelly subway rides even worse. I’ve drafted a few revisions, and added some suggestions of my own that would certainly  benefit the MTA to put into rotation. Immediately.

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I Live to Eat.

Cute little girl eating cake

Not everyone is fortunate enough to have that one, great passion in life: The thing that gets them out of bed each morning and guides them through each day; that one thing that not only puts a smile on their face, but lights up their soul.

I am one of the lucky ones. And my great passion is FOOD.

Wonderful. Delectable. Glamorous. Sexual….. Food. It feels good even to type it. I don’t discriminate: Fatty, juicy, bacon cheeseburgers are just as beloved as giant, cruciferous, hearty salads. I love all foods, each in their own special way. I’m like a mother, really. All of my food babies are given equal love and affection.

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Ordinary Criminals: NYC Edition

A gavel and a name plate with the engraving Judgment

Its no secret that NYC crime is down, a fact even more publicized thanks to the bickering about it on last year’s presidential debates, causing the entire nation to simultaneously google our city’s crime stats. However, there’s a different kind of criminal that’s continued to slip under the radar and infest our city streets: The type that invade your personal bubble, block your way to work, and make your subway rides a daily contemplation for farm life. They’re the everyday, obliviously inconsiderate, average moron who blatantly ignore the unspoken laws of our city, and they need to be stopped. Here are some of my top offenders.

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How To Annoy Your Friends Less On Social Media This Year

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2017 is upon us. Social media isn’t going anywhere, and neither is the girl you took 10th grade Geometry with who posts eleven identical cat selfies every day before noon. As much as we still try to pretend that social media is this amazing tool for connecting the masses and bringing global awareness to important issues, in reality, it’s still just a mindless click-bait junkyard complete with a festering pool of over-filtered, egotistical sludge.

I’m not trying to be hypocritical, because I’ll be first to admit that I use social media for narcissism and shameless self-promotion just as much as the next guy.

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These Aren’t a Few of my Favorite Things: When Christmas in NYC Blows

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Photo Credit: Nick Cox, @dropglobal_nyc

If there’s anything that can bring a little warmth to my cold, dead heart, it’s Christmas. I live for the holidays. From the strike of midnight on Black Friday to the last few seconds of New Year’s Day, I am like a Christmas Elf on crack. For every holiday movie marathon, gift exchange, tree-decorating, Christmas carol, and cookie baking session, I am there in full force with jingle bells on. But as much as I want to pretend that every day in December is magical, it’s impossible to deny that some days just plain suck, and in most cases, New York City is to blame for it.  Continue reading

How to Live Like a Made For TV Christmas Movie

img_0206It’s my favorite time of year, when every time I turn on the TV it seems another sparkling new, fresh-off-the-conveyer-belt holiday flick is on. Things are just simpler in the picturesque, low-budget lives of these Christmas-y folk, and in the midst of the real-life holiday season chaos, I sometimes find myself wishing that I too could live in a world where my biggest source of stress is the drama surrounding a white lights vs. colored debate in the Town Christmas Tree Committee. Thusly, I have created a simple and easy-to-follow guide that will allow anyone to transition their lives into the cheerful naivety of their favorite Made for TV Christmas movie. Continue reading

The Death of the Headphone…And my Sanity.

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With the recent birth of the new suckfest that is the headphone-jack-less iPhone 7, I thought I’d talk a little bit about the recent implosion of cell phone etiquette and abandonment of the headphone. Because lately…Something is happening:

Everyone has stopped caring about being a dick. Continue reading